Who Am I Truly?

This blog is who I am. The real me underneath the smile. The laugh. The energetic caring. This is me. Who I am. The rough tears and raw anguish, pain, terror. I am alone. Shredded. Glued back together by my will to survive. I am a fighter. I will not let them get me down. I will hold my head up high and depend only on myself. Shred my heart. Damage my soul. But you will not defeat who I am. Believe what you want, think what you will, say what you please. You cannot get me down. I will set the world on fire with my world of aching flames locked inside my soul. The raw screams and pain. Screams of anger and loss. Betrayal and mistrust. Hate and fear. I am alone and so I will stay. You cannot get me down. I will tear you apart and you will regret the moment you were conceived. Wish you were never born. Because you can no longer hurt me. I am untouchable. Distant and cold. Silently hateful with every breath I take I am cold and detached. You cannot hurt me and you may very well Die trying.

New Story

My New Blog:

http://kaytegoodbod.blogspot.com/

My Page of Many Pictures and Other Things

http://s96.photobucket.com/albums/l166/itzjustme1992/

Why Is the World Never Right?

I'm running. I'm scared. I'm alone. You're not here. My world is shaking. I'm trembling, crying, screaming. I don't know what's going on. All I know is I want it to stop. I want to know. Because if I know, at least I can expect something, prepare myself for what's ahead. I'm running, I'm screaming, I'm scared. And all I know is I need you here. But you're so far, far away. Why is the world determined to keep you away from me? I need you; your strength, your love, your protection. I need you next to me. I want so badly for you to be here, lying next to me. I need to curl up and not be afraid. But you ignore me and I don't know if you care. I know you do but....I don't see it. I'm alone in a world determined to hurt me, kill me, no matter what I do. I'm scared. Because even though we've fixed us, all I see is how distant we've become. I want what we had. And I don't think we can ever have that again. All those lies, all that pain, the games and vindictiveness.....I don't think we can come back from that. You're not trying as usual and I'm just...alone in my efforts. You seem to think these things only apply to me. Well they don't. You never try unless you're gonna lose me. And then when you get me back you throw me away. Why is it you only want what you can't have? Why are you never happy? Because you're not. I know you're not. I want us to be happy. But you distance yourself. You stay away and don't try. You hurt me and I wonder if there's even a point in going on. You don't want the burden of taking care of me. I know it. I can see it in what you do, the tone of your voice, the way you look. You want to get rid of this burden of me but you don't want to be alone. I'm not a fucking package or a bag you can just throw around. I have a heart and you're always breaking it. You want me to go away but you're afraid you'll miss me. I can see it in your eyes. You don't love me anymore. You used to be...so different. But you've changed. Something's happened to you while I've grown to love you and need you more....you've grown away. You don't want me anymore.

These Things About the World

I do not hope; therefore I cannot be let down. There is only up from there. Pessimists are the happiest people on earth. They are only surprised for the good because they expect the bad. I do not judge. I only perceive. And I perceive you with the material which you give me.

Really, Parents. THINK!

Why is the world so messed up? So miserable, so determined to share it's misery with others. So intent on hurting. Why can't there ever be anything purely good? Even with my lessening of depression because of Anthony and me, I still feel the sour bite of depression sucking at my soul. I know now that counseling won't work. It's a chemical thing that's fucked up in my brain cuz my mom was on pills when she was pregnant with me and nursing me. Not exactly something I can talk my way out of. I need the pills to fix it but I can't get them and my parents won't. So I'm pretty much helpless and very likely to die sometime before I turn 18. And even if I make it to then, I won't be able to afford the insurance and pills and all that shit. So I'm screwed and set up to die and It's not even my fault. Just more than a little fucked up. Why can't our parents THINK before they do things to fuck us up? My boyfriend's mom fucked up her 3 kids by being around her smoker husband when she was pregnant and putting them as babies around that shit and drinking and having coffee when she was pregnant and nursing with them. It's not fair what they do to us that we can't control. It fucks us up and now I can't really have alcohol because in addition to my father's alcoholic Irish family, I'm also fucked because my loving mommy decided to mess me up by taking pills I didn't need and exposing me to them as a baby and when I was in the womb. So I'm a depressed alcoholic. Goddamn I can't even walk down the wine isle at Albertsons without flipping out. I've gotten better but still. And depression makes me wanna drink. How fucked is that? I mean, Honestly. Thanks so much for loving me enough to fuck my entire life mommy and daddy. Damn I mean it's not really his fault for being Irish, but she didn't have to fuck me up. And yet they won't get me pills I actually need to fix what they did to me. I kinda need them to keep me from fucking killing myself. Every moment I feel the depression in the corner of my mind, my body, my emotions. It never goes away. And I can thank them for it but for nothing else. I know for sure that if I live long enough to have kids, I'm gonna be going off my antidepressants for my pregnancy and when I'm nursing them. I want them to have the best chances possible and have the happiness I never could have.

My New Blog

http://kaytesstory.blogspot.com/

Moving On

Me and Anthony are finally working things out, moving on, forgetting the bad and making a whole new relationship :) I'm gonna make a new blog so I'll post the URL when I do.

Drowning

I am drowning in this life. It all makes me wanna die. I am swimming in a storm. And I am all alone. Abandoned. And afraid. Lost. And so alone. I lie, I die, I cry and ask why. I scream and I cry. I beg and I plead. I need help but no one will give it to me. Nobody listens, nobody cares. And that big lonely world is all out there. Full of hopelessness and despair, selfishness and fury. There is no good or hopes for this world. Best friends stab you in the back, abandon you to die. No one cares when they see you, pass you on the streets as you die. I wish I could fly. Fly away from it all. And when I'm so high, I'll look down on you all. Laughing and also crying, missing my shreds of life. Flying so high as the sun and falling to earth as I die.

Die

These tears are streaming down my face. They are silent because I cannot let them know. They wouldn't care. Nothing would happen. Only the rejection of my own.

Secret Tears

I cry alone in the dead of night when nobody is there.

Broken

Broken is my soul. My life my love my happiness. Broken am I and forever have I been and will I be.

Empty

I'm all alone. I'm sitting alone in a corner in the dark alleyway. I'm sitting. Just sitting. Thinking. Thinking about how alone I am. How abandoned. And afraid. Yet somehow not afraid of those who wish to hurt me. Because everything else seems worse. The people I'm supposed to trust who say they care but are really never there. How they say they love me yet turn their backs. Leaving me alone. And afraid. The girl in the dark. It seems like I'm just asking to be attacked. Raped. Murdered. And in a way, I guess I am. Because I've already had the rape of my soul. The death of my happiness. And who I am has been attacked. And done away with. I don't know who I am. I don't know where I am. And I don't know why. I don't understand. But I still sit. Tucked into myself alone in the dark. Knowing I am alone in the world. Knowing I will never be understood. Accepted. Loved. Content. Happy. I will never be that girl who truly means her smiles. Who knows that she is happy. Who has a good life at home and school and everywhere. I am the girl who wishes for what she knows she will not have. Who smiles but rarely hopes. Because she knows the hoping is only leading her heart to be broken. Because what she is hoping for never comes. I am empty.

The Love That Hurts

Aww my boyfriend sent me this like a month ago but I just checked the email address he sent it to today:
I love you Kayte. With all my heart, with all my soul. How can I go on without losing control? Without you there is no me, without you there is no light I can see. I'm corny, I'm an ass, and I lie. But I love you Kayte. When your happy, when your mad, when your away from me and when your near, when you hate me, when you love me, I can't do without you. Your my other half, my one true love. I've given my heart to you, and I have yours. Even when you dash mine on the floor and leave it there to rot I keep your heart safe, loved and in my arms, like a baby or a jewel, but far more precious. Please don't leave me Kayte... I love you so much... I'm just never there to show you how much I do.

Tears

I almost cried today. Don't really know why except that I have been going through a lot and I thought my boyfriend didn't want me near him and I was in his arms and suddenly I was almost crying. Weird...I kinda wonder how he would've reacted.

Umm I don't really know what to call this one...

Love is but a heartbreak's sorrow.

Love

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.”
“I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.”
“If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were.”
“It is better to lose your pride with someone you love rather than to lose that someone you love with your useless pride.”
“To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world.”
“True Love burns the brightest, But the brightest flames leave the deepest scars.”
“We say we love flowers, yet we pluck them. We say we love trees, yet we cut them down. And people still wonder why some are afraid when told they are loved.”
“When you smiled you had my undivided attention. When you laughed you had my urge to laugh with you. When you cried you had my urge to hold you. When you said you loved me, you had my heart forever.”

My Quote:
“Love is feeling your heart beat faster when you see him coming. Only relaxing when you are in his arms. Melting against him and surrendering yourself into his arms. Knowing everything will be okay and letting him make it so.”
~Kayte Goodbody

That Girl

I am the young girl standing at the corner. Crying and afraid. Not knowing where to go or who to turn to. Knowing she is alone. I am the girl discovering the world. Wandering farther and farther every time. I am the girl growing in confidence. I am the girl, crying and afraid. Abandoned once again. Taken to a place, then abandoned adn betrayed. I am the girl who stopped her tears and put up walls. I am the girl who finally felt safe for the first time in her life. I am the girl who finally felt care for and accepted, the way she never felt before. I am the girl who was taken away from that place she was accepted and understood. The girl who then realized exactly how much she did not belong at home. The girl who was depressed and then suffered greadly for many weeks. The girl who then came back to school and was welcomed, but still felt unaccepted, misunderstood, and undeserving. The girl who lost so much, and now clings desperately to what she has. I am that girl.

I Hunger For More

I wrote this in class today:

-The pain, the darkness. It swallows me.
My only sight is him.
But even that falters, fades, flickers out.
And the emptiness comes again.
-The marks upon my arms
The people stop and stare.
I say it was a cat.
But truly it is not.
It is the marks upon my soul.
-I am a starving girl
an unfilled cup
always left thirsting, hungering for more
of the love I do not get.
-I am a starving girl thirsting for more
I see the tempting cup
teasing, taunting, dangling what I so desperately need but cannot have.
I get a taste. I thirst for more. But it is gone. It disappeared.

The Story of a Girl

These tears running down her face, they mark the pain and disappointments of a fifteen year old girl. The girl left to raise the children who are not hers, the girl who desperately needs to feel safe, to run into his arms and have him never ever leave her again. The girl sho so desperately needs somebody, something to hold on to. Yet she has nothing. The girl who has been hurt countless times and has now given up on the world. The girl who never dares to hope, having decided long ago that hope only leads to heartbreak. The girl who has never been truly loved, or is too scared to realize it. The girl who has been given a voice, a pen, a stage, yet deprived of the opportunity to use them. The girl who comes alive on stage, loving to become a person she is not; if only for a moment. The girl who has felt all emotions except for happyness and so can play them well on stage, only having to call to mind a memory and show it on her face and in her voice. The girl who has pages and pages filled with beautiful pain. Who sings out her sorrow. Yet no one notices. Everything she has ever had has been taken away. I know that girl. That girl is me.

The Cause of All Their Pain

I hate the pain I cause. I hate the tears I create. I hate the fact that there are people out there hurting, because of me. Because I can only choose one and not them all. And they all want the one I choose to be themselves. But I can’t choose one and all at the same time. I hate the fact that just knowing kills them. Knowing I still remember the ones before them. Knowing that there Were ones before them. Knowing that there are things I miss about the others that they don’t give me. I remember them all. The looks in their eyes when they looked at me, the way they held me like they’d never let go even if they would die if they didn’t, the way their voices changed and their attention was taken over by me the second I walked into the room. The way they changed little things for me and put me before anything in their lives. The way they all still care and wish for things to be just the two of us once again. The way their faces drop and their smiles die when they notice the new guy beside me. The way they all wish they were the only one, and wonder how much time they have before they too, are gone. They wonder if I love them and if I’d rather be with another guy, listening to me talk about the ones before when they ask. I hate how no matter what, every time I turn around, I see the broken heart of yet another guy. I don’t want them to hurt, I don’t want to be the cause. I love that so many of them care, but I don’t want them all to hurt. So many lost and broken-hearted, so many shattered souls, so much confusion and pain, and in the middle…Is me.

The Way Life Sucks

Funny...the things life throws your way. You think it will get better but it never does. One day you're a daughter, the next a mother. One day you are in a happy relationship, thinking of your life spent with that person, the next you realize how fucked up your parents' relationship is, and it makes you terrified to even be in any kind of relationship, for fear you will end up as they did. One day you have more friends than you can count, the next you can count them all on one hand. One day you're innocent and naive in the ways of the world, the next day you have a brutal awakening. And it sucks, the way you are forced to learn about life, but it's the way we learn, and some don't survive it.

Betrayal Of The Heart

Love is the most painful thing you can ever experience. Without them, you are dying, crying, all alone on the floor. In the dark on your own crying yourself to sleep in a corner of your empty bed. The bleeding of your heart is more painful than any wound, yet it is the destruction of your soul. Without them you are not complete, not a whole. Instead you have an emptiness in the filling of your soul. Your mind is vacant yet too busy, because any thoughts at all are painful thoughts of that one person in your heart. You offered them your love and open the door of your heart and all they do is walk out. But with them...with them you are more alive than you ever imagined. More complete than you ever dreamed. And then...when you lose them you feel lost. And wish you had never loved at all. So why can we not just erase love and therefore pain from the world? Why can we not erase the way we feel when that person we have ultimately loved and trusted betrays our given heart? When they lie and that knife hurts so deep inside, twisting inside our heart? Erase how they say they're different and you let yourself believe them, yet deep inside you know you shouldn't. You know they're exactly the same as the last person who broke your heart. But you so badly want to believe that there is one person in the world you can believe in, so badly that even when you find that there is evedence staring you in the face that you should never have trusted, never have given yourself to them, you overlook and excuse it. Passing it off as something else so you don't see what you don't want to see. Don't have to believe the truth you so badly don't want to be true. But in the end, everyone is broken, so deep down inside, everyone feels pain. Betrayal from that one person they let themself love.

My Shredded Heart

He is my life, my love, my happiness. My soul, my tears, my strength. I know that when I am sad and lonely I can fall into his arms and he will catch and love and hold me tight. He is my shield from the hurts, the pains, the cold of the world. I love the smell, the shelter, the love he gives me. Without him the fun, the laughter, the joy of everything is gone. I miss the safety, how it felt to kiss him, how it felt to just melt into his arms and let him be strong for me, how he just wanted to protect me from the world. And now he has to protect me from his mom. I am his life and he is mine. But my soul is now empty. I don't have him anymore. And i need to accept that I will never have him again. But every time I see him in the halls at school, every time I run across a picture or memory of him, the knife will twist inside me. I am Kayte. I was strong. I will be strong. But I am tired of fighting. I will just live with the pain life deals to me. And I will give up my soul. No more fighting. It hurts too much. Better to just accept than to still hope and pay the price inside my heart.

I'm Not Trying Anymore

I cried yesterday. I never do. I ended up crying when I was talking to my best friend Megan. Why? Because I got the one thing that keeps me from killing myself every day taken away from me. My boyfriend. So I have this shitty relationship for the next year or two and I might just end up dying anyway, because I cannot handle this taken away from me. So why fucking TRY, if all I'm gonna get is everything taken away from me? I have scars and cuts all over my arms. So why not take that one step further and cut somewhere a little more...vital? And maybe add a couple nice little pills to that, swimming in some vodka? Yeah. Great idea, right? I know. It is. And I have 2 weeks to do it, because in that time my boyfriend can't find out and whine at me to not do it. Great timing. And I really only need a day :) Now that I've had my life taken away from me, who the fuck in the world is gonna stop me from just finishing the job?

The World Is Fucked Up. It Kills Me With Pain.

My boyfriend's parents are psycho. His cousin is an ass and decided he hates me because I don't like his music and he told their ENTIRE family all this bullshit about me and it resulted in my boyfriend's mom calling me trailer trash and a controlling little bitch. I am Not controlling and i'd rather be poor the way i am than a rich Bitch like her. I ended up talking to her and by the way, I was VERY polite and respectful, WAY more than she could Ever Possibly deserve, but Somehow she ended up telling my boyfriend I verbally attacked her?!?!?! WTF!?! That is fucking BULLSHIT! I made Sure to swallow my pride because I know that if she hates me, I can pretty much Never see him. And he is more important than my pride. But in the end, they took his phone so he can't talk to me and I can't ever see him again except for school. I was gonna dump him because that's a shitty relationship and I need to be with him, and I don't need the stress his family gives me, but then realized that's what she wants. So I'm not planning on dumping him at the moment, but if we do stay together and get married and have kids, those bitches will NOT be going anywhere Near them.

Absent Love and Tortured Heart

All I’ve lost is why I’ve died. My soul inside, no longer alive. It hurts, it’s pain, I scream inside. But I’m alone, in all my pain. Anguish, sorrow, it is all this. The love I’ve lost, the times I’ve cried. It’s made me strong but want to die. So many, many who will leave, so much trust just thrown away. And I fear so much every time he leaves, that he won’t return to worthless me. It kills me inside every moment I’m alone. A piece, a shred, a whole me dead. All inside me is a puzzle of people, those who have lost, abandoned, and shredded me. The trust misgiven, the heart gone numb. And one by one my tears have died and a part of me has died inside. I trust no one, but love with pain, wishing for forbidden rain. His touch I crave, his smell I need, his love fills the space inside of me. But none I get for abandoned I am, on my own with no sleep, and my soul so aching, and all those people who forsake me. My aching heart is empty and alone, without the love that makes it whole. I am empty and aching, lost without my other half. I lay so alone in empty times, in the dead of night with my soul not alive. Wishing he was by my side.

Cuts That Bring Rain

I want deep cuts to tear away the pain and rain down my blood like a heavy rain. I know in my life I am most likely not sane and all I want is a kind of rain.

Knife

This knife’s sharp teeth match mine. The ones on the dagger you stuck inside my heart. It matches me it hates me it only wants to destroy me. I withdraw but I’m there. Staring out the world. Confused and lost. Alone and afraid. It hurts but I’m numb. I’m lost and I’m dumb. These marks they let out all the pain. And they allow it all to drain. I’m running around inside the rain. Raining of my tears and soul. Life and blood. Emotions and happiness. In all, they were inside of me but now I’m forcing them to leave.

Turmoil

I am dead. I am alive. Everything around me. Crying out inside. Calling out for life. Playing with this knife. Because it’s the only one that understands me. The one that wants to destroy me, too. The only one that will…besides you. You tear me you hurt me and make me scream. Calling out for life. But a life that will not come. Because of what I have become. Screaming running crashing down inside me I die and no one knows. All of these blows. Some from you some from others but all within the world. I hate it, it hurts me and I only wanna die. But inside I am dying. I shut out the world and the pain inside. I become numb and the fumes make me dumb. All of this hurt inside me it twists and makes scream. But only inside because on the surface I’m calm, collected, sure of myself and the world. Calculating and cool. Inside I don’t understand. Wish you do but you don’t and you won’t. All those who love me and I love are gone they leave me. All alone inside. The world whirling around me and I fall to the floor. Running out the door. But without direction. I don’t know where I go. What I want to be. All I know is that the definition of turmoil is me.

Life

I'd rather hear a truth that kills me than a lie that comforts me.

So corny but sweet

As a response to my Anguish in the Night poem:
For the good things we wait, for the bad we try to alleviate. In the end, when you come around the last bend, you will know and love that you have more than a friend. Dont cry now, dont get high now. Cry on my shoulder if you need to, get high of the love that i give you. Today is worse, but tomorrow, even with the sorrow and my love as your curse, the burden is easier because it wont get worse.

Anguish in the Night

My heart-you threw it out the door. It shatters when it hits the floor. My tears explode inside of me. All I want is just to leave. But I can't. I'm a prisoner. And I feels the marks. Of when all things good and bright went dark. The candle of hope flickered out. One lone candle in an emptiness of dark. The lone warmth and love it shows. But I don't have it and this I know. I try to prevent myself from dying. But all this time I'm lonely crying. And those tears show me what is true. That I'll always be alone without you. With this truth I must learn to live. And the world I will never forgive.